trauma.

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 i came here again tonight as i have no where else to go. 

i don't want to make someone else feel miserable with my own misery.

but i cant hold it in alone.

i'm tired 

i'm scared.

i want to forget things too.

but why does it keeps on coming to me and haunt me almost everyday..

i remembered clearly what happened that night. the night that left me sleepless for more than a weak as i was haunted by everything that happened that night.

my chest feels suffocated every time i remembered what happened.

every. single. thing.

they keep on replaying in my head as if they live in there rent-free. never want to leave.

it happened months ago, but every thing is still fresh in my head.

get it out. please.

i started cutting because of this.

and every time i remembered of what happened i had to calm myself alone in my room.

i had to calm myself from my heavy breathing, from the chest pain, from the demons that keeps on reminding me of that night--

and from holding the knife to my veins.

...

i want to forget so i can live normally again. i want to forget so i can love again. i want to forget so i don't have anything to be scared of again. 

i want to run away from here. i want to go somewhere where no one knows my past, somewhere where no one knows him. 

its hard when i'm the only one having to live with this trauma. 

you know when someone said "thank the ones that hurt you, they made you stronger"

i wont thank him. for whatever the reason is, i will never thank him for anything. 

i have always been the strong girl. but i was never the girl that is brave enough to cut myself. and i was never the girl that thought a man could leave me traumatised as much as this.

why do i have to thank him for all that?


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