Regret.

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I have always live with a phrase that goes,
"Live without regrets"
.
.
But I too, sometimes found myself stuck in the past. Crying like an immature little girl over the past that I cannot undo.

Back then, I only have one dream. I went around telling people that I'll be fine if I have to be thrown anywhere, I can adapt easily in any situation given. But deep inside, only god knows, I actually have only one dream. And that is to be a doctor. 

I have always wanted to be a doctor. Mom said I wanted to be a doctor since I was 5 years old. Come to think of it, it is true. There was never a year I forgotten that dream. Every year, I will atleast once told myself that I wanted to be a doctor. I have to be a doctor. 

I love nursing people. I love helping people. I love being important even to strangers. I love being busy. I dont like sleeping. I love biology. I love science. My handwriting is a mess too. It's always amazing to see the doctors working, diagnosing people, telling them what to do and what not to do, what to eat and what not to eat. I wanted to be a doctor. 
.
I really wanted to be a doctor...

But I feel so sorry for myself that I cannot be one. I never can be one. I have always blamed myself for the past years. 

Why didn't I work harder. Why I kept on playing and fooling around. Why am I like this. Why was I like that. Why am I such a disappointment. Why am I such a fool. Why am I stupid. Why cant I make myself happy. Why cant I be a doctor...

I see myself as a pathetic girl. She is pathetic. 
.

I remembered when I was 17, I watched a drama and the main character was a surgeon. I've made up my mind that time, I wanted to be a surgeon too. The drama showed the intense of being a surgeon. The stress that a doctor had to face, the heart throbbing and nerve wrecking moments where a life is just at the tip of a knife's cut. I liked them all. My sisters said its very hard to be a doctor. I can see that. My mom said its very difficult to be one. I know that. But I dont mind them. I just wanted to be a surgeon.

But I cant... I wont be one. Ever.

Until now, I still cried everytime I thought about my dream. I still wanted to beat myself until she can no longer sit up to even cry. I wanted to hit her until her last breath. 

Why didn't you work harder. Why did you kept on playing and fooling around. Why are you like this. Why were you like that. Why are you such a disappointment. Why are you such a fool. Why are you stupid. Why cant you make yourself happy. Why cant you be a doctor...

That is when I realised, if I have to live this life with one regret, this would be it.

I will forever regret not studying enough. I will forever regret promising myself that I will be a doctor. I will forever regret I didnt work harder. I will forever regret that I had a dream to be a doctor. I will forever regret not being a doctor. I will forever regret being where I am right now when I should've been in the hospital, battling to safe someone's life. 

I am sorry to myself. I'm sorry for myself. I am so sorry..

I am very sorry...


for myself.

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