Drowning
Depression is real. I know that. I've experienced the thought of not wanting to live anymore. I've tasted the feel like you dont worth anything to anyone. I've went through the phase where everything is wrong with yourself. But I knew it was a depression long after I've healed from it. So I feel relieved that I've been there.
I thought it wouldnt come again...
I was wrong.. It definitely came back.
But this time I'm not sure anymore. I dont know if this is a depression or its just me and my hormonal state of being extra stressed out over literally everything.
What I'm certain of is that I'm really tired. I am very tired. I shouldnt be skipping school, no one should skip school for no specific reason. I dont even want to skip it. I love my school. I love my friends, the teachers, my classmates, the subjects im taking, even the school itself, i love it.The toilet is very comfortable too! yes toilet does plays a big role in deciding whether i love that particular place or not.
But I skipped it anyway.
Yesterday was my birthday. For the past few weeks since the 2nd of January which also since the first day of school after semester break, has been a rough weeks for me. There must be something wrong on each day. Something wrong that made me sit on my prayer mat every night and cry to God telling Him nothing. I just sat there, and cried like a toddler just lost his mom in the supermarket. Few days before my birthday, I beg Him to give me atleast one day, just one day which is on my birthday, a day without any failure. A day without any discomfort. A day like I used to have last year. A perfectly normal days. It went well, alhamdulillah.
Until, at dawn. I sat on the prayer mat, after my prayer. and I cried again. I really dont know whats wrong with me. That night I decided not to go to school. I was very exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. I went to bed and I thought, when i wake up tomorrow, this thought is going to disappear. So the next moning I woke up...
and it still hasnt gone.
I still feel as tired as I was at night before. I still feel as breathless as I was before going to bed. I still feel useless and worthless and I dont know whats wrong...
It feels like I'm drowning and I know how to swim, but i just cant. It feels like my body dont want to be saved. It feels like my brain knows how to swim, but my body doesnt want to do so. But I know I need help. I need someone to pull me back out of this ocean of darkness and wilderness.
I need help-
I thought it wouldnt come again...
I was wrong.. It definitely came back.
But this time I'm not sure anymore. I dont know if this is a depression or its just me and my hormonal state of being extra stressed out over literally everything.
What I'm certain of is that I'm really tired. I am very tired. I shouldnt be skipping school, no one should skip school for no specific reason. I dont even want to skip it. I love my school. I love my friends, the teachers, my classmates, the subjects im taking, even the school itself, i love it.
But I skipped it anyway.
Yesterday was my birthday. For the past few weeks since the 2nd of January which also since the first day of school after semester break, has been a rough weeks for me. There must be something wrong on each day. Something wrong that made me sit on my prayer mat every night and cry to God telling Him nothing. I just sat there, and cried like a toddler just lost his mom in the supermarket. Few days before my birthday, I beg Him to give me atleast one day, just one day which is on my birthday, a day without any failure. A day without any discomfort. A day like I used to have last year. A perfectly normal days. It went well, alhamdulillah.
Until, at dawn. I sat on the prayer mat, after my prayer. and I cried again. I really dont know whats wrong with me. That night I decided not to go to school. I was very exhausted. Not physically, but mentally. I went to bed and I thought, when i wake up tomorrow, this thought is going to disappear. So the next moning I woke up...
and it still hasnt gone.
I still feel as tired as I was at night before. I still feel as breathless as I was before going to bed. I still feel useless and worthless and I dont know whats wrong...
It feels like I'm drowning and I know how to swim, but i just cant. It feels like my body dont want to be saved. It feels like my brain knows how to swim, but my body doesnt want to do so. But I know I need help. I need someone to pull me back out of this ocean of darkness and wilderness.
I need help-
